true side of ME!

Tadi malam gw nonton "The Last Boy Scout" di Trans TV. Gw yang tadinya ngantuk, malah jadi ngakak2. Bruce Willis emang punya bakat sarkastis yang besar (^^,)b. Lucu banget. Agak jahat, agak kejam, tapi masih sangat bisa ditolerir. Dia emang tipe pengeluh tapi jantan dalam menghadapi hidup dan selalu menjaga integritasnya walaupun dia amat sangat menyebalkan (^^,)b. Di setiap filmnya, dimana dia jadi jagoan (dan bukan penjahat).. Gw selalu suka sama ungkapan2 sarkastisnya.

Berikut adalah beberapa memorable quote nya.
(sumber : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102266/quotes)

Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.

Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.
Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?
Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.
Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Joe Hallenbeck: This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix: I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.

Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?
Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.
Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?
Jimmy Dix: YES.
Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?
Jimmy Dix: Nope.
Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.

Milo: Can we get a formal introduction?
Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?
Milo: I am the bad guy.
Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?
Milo: Something like that.
Joe Hallenbeck: Fine, I'll start trembling in a minute.

[Jimmy is being approached by a bunch of goons]
Jimmy Dix: Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks the most like my dick. If you got something to say, say it. Otherwise get the fuck outta here.

Jimmy Dix: Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it.

Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Jimmy Dix: You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?
Joe Hallenbeck: And then some.

Joe Hallenbeck: You don't think the cops can help you?
Cory: Sure, after I'm dead they'll perform the autopsy.

Darian Hallenbeck: What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

Joe Hallenbeck: [giving Jimmy a briefcase full of $6 million] Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Jimmy Dix: [to himself] Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

[Billy Cole's last line]
Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch?

[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror]
Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.

Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody.
Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
[throws ice at Joe]
Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?
Jimmy Dix: Excuse me?
Joe Hallenbeck: Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?
Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name?
Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.
Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.
Joe Hallenbeck: It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.
Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.
Jimmy Dix: You're like a fuckin' lowlife to me.
Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.
[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]
Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.

McCoskey: Good morning, gentlemen. Is there a problem?
Milo: Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.
[uses the gun to kill the officer]

Mike Mathews: [about Cory] She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her.

[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]
Mike Mathews: Look Joe, it just happened.
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week".

[Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand]
Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?
Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?
Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.
Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.
Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.

Jimmy Dix: It ain't right.
Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right.
[sighs]
Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.
Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.
Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"?
Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.
Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrists.

Milo: You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...
Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

Joe Hallenbeck: Where are you goin'?
Jimmy Dix: To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.
Joe Hallenbeck: No, I'll pass.

Jimmy Dix: She gets evidence to use against 'em, right?
Joe Hallenbeck: That's right.
Jimmy Dix: So now we have the evidence.
Joe Hallenbeck: What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.

Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck.
[takes Joe's gun and tosses it]
Scrabble Man: Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on.
Jake: Shut up fuckface.
Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole.
[Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement]
Scrabble Man: Jake?
[Jake punches Joe in the face]
Scrabble Man: Advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?
Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?
Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untenable.
Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.
Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?
Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.
[Jake punches Joe in the face]
Jimmy Dix: Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone.
[Jake kicks Jimmy in the groin]
Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Yeah, sure Jimmy. Whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance.
Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble.
Scrabble Man: He's in a good mood, Jake. Kick 'em again.
Joe Hallenbeck: All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right?
Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe.
Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt?
Jimmy Dix: Blow me.
Milo: You must be James.
Jimmy Dix: [sarcastically] James?
Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.
Milo: I trust you're alone.
Jimmy Dix: No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?
[thug slams his head into car bonnet]
Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.

Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer.
Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe doesn't like the music being played at the strip club where Cory works] This the only kind of music they play in this joint?
Cory: Mm-hm.
Joe Hallenbeck: I hate this funk shit. I'll have to charge you extra.
Cory: What did you expect?
Joe Hallenbeck: The Four Freshmen. Pat Boone.
Cory: What are you, my father?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I'm your father. Go put some clothes on.
Cory: You're hilarious.
[Gets up to leave]
Cory: Go stick your head in that speaker. You'll be screaming, "Play that funky music, white boy!"
Joe Hallenbeck: The screaming part, I believe.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, you got a car here? Hey! You got a car?
Pool Owner: Yeah.
Joe Hallenbeck: Give me the keys.
Pool Owner: No way.
Joe Hallenbeck: [Holds his gun to Darian's head] Give me the keys or I shoot the kid.

Jimmy Dix: [Jimmy has just survived being thrown off an overpass and is now trying to calm startled motorists] It's okay. It's okay, folks. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Danger is my middle name. Don't try this at home, folks. I'm a trained professional. There's me, and there's Super Dave.
[Passes out]

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe is convinced Sarah is hiding anther man in their bedroom closet] That door stays shut. What I'm going to do is count to three. Then I'm going to put a bullet in that door.
Sarah Hallenbeck: Jesus.
Joe Hallenbeck: You can stop me any time by telling the truth.
[Cocks gun]
Joe Hallenbeck: One...
Sarah Hallenbeck: Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're fucking losing it!
Joe Hallenbeck: The truth is a beautiful thing.

Mike Mathews: [Mike is trying to offer Joe a case] So listen, I'm booked. You got plans?
Joe Hallenbeck: I'm thinking about smoking some cigarettes.
Mike Mathews: Could you postpone?
Joe Hallenbeck: These are pretty good cigarettes.

Jimmy Dix: If you go any faster we're gonna travel back through time.

Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?

Jimmy Dix: Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.
Joe Hallenbeck: What are you, a fag?
Jimmy Dix: No, I'm just trying to break the ice.
Joe Hallenbeck: I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.
Jimmy Dix: Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

[On pulling up to Joe Hallenbeck's home]
Jimmy Dix: Wow, an actual house. I was expecting a cave with like skulls and shit.

[Joe gets to his office, after waking up next to a dead squirrel a bunch of kids threw in his car]
Mike Matthews: What'd you do last night?
Joe Hallenbeck: I think I fucked a squirrel to death, and don't remember.

Milo: Hey, motherfucker.
Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, Milo. Where ya callin' from, the bottom of the pool?

Jimmy Dix: It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?
Joe Hallenbeck: Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.

Jimmy Dix: Come one, Cory, let's go.
Cory: Wait, I gotta wait for Hallenbeck.
Jimmy Dix: Are you in some kind of trouble?
Cory: It's nothing serious, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.
Jimmy Dix: Is there some guy bothering you?
Cory: Seriously, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.
Jimmy Dix: Hallenbeck's a bum. What's he gonna do, light a match and breathe on the guy?

Jimmy Dix: Do you want to get kicked off the planet?

[to Milo]
Joe Hallenbeck: I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you.

Joe Hallenbeck: Can I have a cigarette?
Chet: A cigarette? Yeah sure.
[gives him one]
Joe Hallenbeck: Got a light?
Chet: Yeah, got a light.
[pretends to give him a light and punches him instead]
Chet: Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat!
Joe Hallenbeck: I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another?
Chet: [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy.
[gives him another cigarette]
Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya.

[last lines]
Joe Hallenbeck: Be prepared, son. That's my motto. Be prepared.

Jimmy Dix: I'm saying again for the cheap seats, Lieutenant. I DON'T KNOW WHERE JOE HALLENBECK IS! That's my fucking statement! Write it down and shove it up your ass.
Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: I could nail you for obstruction.
Jimmy Dix: You couldn't nail a two dollar whore.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more.
Joe Hallenbeck: Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee.

[Hallenbeck and Dix are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb]
Joe Hallenbeck: Now what are you doing?
Jimmy Dix: I'm drawing them a picture.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's that?
Jimmy Dix: It's a bomb.
Joe Hallenbeck: It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"?
Jimmy Dix: Do you want to draw the damn thing?
[Dix shows Hallenbeck the draw of a bomb with "bom" written below]
Jimmy Dix: Happy?
Joe Hallenbeck: Are you kidding me?
Jimmy Dix: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothing right.
Jimmy Dix: [the bodyguards shoot at them] Oh, shit!
Joe Hallenbeck: I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish.
Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there!
Joe Hallenbeck: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.

Jimmy Dix: You don't like women much do ya Joe.
Joe Hallenbeck: [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend.
Jimmy Dix: Nah man, he was a scumbag private detective.
Joe Hallenbeck: All private detectives are scumbags.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah, but that scumbag tried to get you killed.
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah well, friends can't be perfect. I wish that water wasn't wet, I wish the sky wasn't blue and I wish that I didn't still love my wife. Ahh, life sucks!
[reaches for a glass of wine]

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe just found out that Mathews was having an affair with his wife] Head or gut, Mike?
Mike Mathews: Joe, how long have we been friends?
Joe Hallenbeck: I'd say roughly until you started banging my wife. Head or gut?
Mike Mathews: [sighs] Gut.
Joe Hallenbeck: [punches Mike in the gut] Got that address for me?
Mike Mathews: [out of breath] Huh?
Joe Hallenbeck: The surveillance job.
Mike Mathews: [still out of breath] You still want the job?
Joe Hallenbeck: 500 bucks is 500 bucks, Mike.
Mike Mathews: [gives Joe a picture of Cory] Yeah, I guess you're right.
Joe Hallenbeck: [looking at the picture] Cory, huh? You throw a shot into her too?
[Mike leaves]
Joe Hallenbeck: [to his neighbor's dog who keeps coming into his yard] Get the fuck out of here, go shit in your own yard.

[Joe and Jimmy arrive at the stadium and see Marcone's car]
Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's Marcone's car.
Joe Hallenbeck: Come on!
Jimmy Dix: [pulls out his keys and scratches the car] I've always wanted to do that.
Joe Hallenbeck: You should've shit on it.

Sarah Hallenbeck: [arguing; justifying her infidelity] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely!
Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.

Milo: Push this vile fuck off the road, man!

Milo: Excuse me, but did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this FUCK? He could be a God damned cop. Frisk him please.

McCoskey: I've got bad news and bad news.
Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: Give me the bad news first.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: I got them all in my hip pocket, except Senator Calvin Baynard. I tried to bribe that son of a bitch. He gave it back because it wasn't enough.
Joe Hallenbeck: What's he want?
Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Six million. Or he'll go straight to the police. It'll just be cheaper to kill that son of a bitch.
Joe Hallenbeck: Taking off a senator is ballsy, even for an asshole like you.
Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: You said it, Joe-boy. That's why we'll frame you for the senator's murder.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Give him the key or I'll have you kneecapped.
Jimmy Dix: Whoops.
[Jimmy throws a "Shredder" shotgun shell into the fireplace]
Jimmy Dix: Look like nobody gets the money. That's one of those new plastic keys.
Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Get the god damn key!
Jimmy Dix: [to Joe] The kind that shred.
Joe Hallenbeck: Darian, get down!

Harp: Hey, last time I saw you drink straight Vodka was 'cause you just cheated on Corey.
Jimmy Dix: Yeah why don't you pour me another.

Jimmy Dix: Nowadays all I do is lose friends, drink, and nail anything with a heartbeat.
Harp: Yeah, well, just stay on your side of the bar.

[first lines]
Locker Room Kid: Billy Cole. Billy Cole.
Head Coach: The first half stunk! Open the holes up! Get in there like hogs! Like pigs!
Locker Room Kid: Billy Cole. You got a call on line three.
Head Coach: Let's go out there in this half and kick some butt! Let's get out of this town as a winner! I hate Cleveland!

Cory: [with Jimmy Dix in jacuzzi] If I were a cat, I'd purrrrrr.

[while Joe is dancing a jig]
Jimmy Dix: You know, for a dancer, he is one hell of a detective.